TMI Tuesday - 11/08/2011

1. Do you have a set of dishes that are used for special occassions (e.g. china)? Yes or no. If yes, how often do you use the special dishes?

a. any day because every day is special
b. once a week
c. only for holidays and celebration
d. never, it is displayed in a china cabinet or collecting dust in a box in the attic

This whole questionaire is obviously for rich people because I don't have ANY kind of dishes that are used for a special occasion. I have a few plates and the only special occassion I break them out for is BBQ because that shit is greasy as all hell and really won't work on a paper plate. Plus, the plates are big so I don't have to worry about dropping food on the plate as I devour it like a savage. Cause that's what you do with delicious meat.

2. Do have clothes that you never wear because you are saving them for a special occasion? What is that item of clothing? What would be the appropriate occasion?

I have a pair of nice shoes. I say "nice" shoes because they're kind of these brown loafers that I wear to events like when my niece has a concert or maybe to a wedding where I'm not in the groom's party. Look, I'm going to be straight up with you: I grew up in a fucking swamp. Ok, not exactly in the swamp, I grew up near the swamp. I spent my youth running through the woods and traipsing along beach like a God damned heathen. BAREFOOT. And not one of those white, sandy beaches either. This beach had been ravaged by a hurricane only a few years before I was born and even ten years after that it was still a wasteland of snakes, gators, and fishermen wading out into the bay.

So do I have fancy clothes? Fuck no. You people are lucky if I walk out the door with pants on.

3. If you suddenly became very wealthy, which servants would you employ?

a. cleaning service
b. housekeeper
c. cook
d. valet/maid/lady-in-waiting
e. chauffeur
f. dog-walker
g. other

I guess that depends on how wealthy is very wealthy. I'll go with the version of very wealthy that means "wealthy enough to buy people." I would definitely employ a cleaning service or a housekeeper. I would probably have enough house keepers to serve as a cleaning service of their own.

A valet would probably be pretty nice too but that's something I feel would require someone I could trust. I always see shit in tabloids about how people in Hollywood can't keep their fucking mouths shut. Same thing goes with politics in DC. No one can keep secrets, no one can stand not to gossip. I would have to find a guy like that, the old school British manservant (or woman servant, I'm not discriminating on this part) who would be able to keep any secrets they discovered to themselves. For this service, they would be well paid because having someone waiting on you hand and foot isn't a luxury. Having an employee you can trust not to stab you in the back...that's priceless.

Also, since it's not listed and since we're talking about real luxuries, the first group of people I would hire into my new empire wouldn't be maids or butlers or servants. It would be the best lawyer I could find and the best tax accountant as well. Like the valet, the real luxuries in this world are trust and having the best of the best at your disposal, not fancy cars or nice houses. Think about OJ Simpson. Is it a luxury for him to have nice house and nice cars during his football career or was it a luxury to have a fucking team of Grade A lawyers at his back. Knowledge is power and when you don't have the knowledge yourself, use your resources to find the people who do.

4. If you were wealthy, how many homes would you own? Where? (locations–mountains, tropical places for the winter, foreign country/city)

If I became suddenly rich, like multi-millionaire rich, I would be paranoid as all hell. I have plenty of shifty-ass relatives who would all be lining up for cash even though I haven't spoken to them in years. Fuck those guys. I would probably buy a hotel, the biggest hotel I could find in a huge metro area and convince everyone I lived there all the time, having room service waiting on me hand and foot and constantly ordering call girls up to service me.

In reality, I would probably found a nice neighborhood where people who make about six figures live. I would buy a nice house but not the most expensive one. I would keep a low profile, convince my neighbors I was some kind of brokerage guy or into import/export. Some kind of front for how I made my money but I wouldn't go flashing my cash like some teenage super athlete who just signed a ten million dollar contract.

Then I would have a place way off from everyone else in existence. A cabin of some type, near a lake. I don't fish but I like the idea of having my own lake stocked with fish, so I could fish as an option. I doubt I would take many people up there. Maybe my close friends, from time to time. Mostly it would be a place for me to get away from the world, get away from all the people who would be after me for cash, and it would serve as my bug out location for when the Zombie Apocalypse comes crashing down on all of us.

5. If you were going to take on a really expensive hobby, which of these would it be?

a. buy an airplane
b. buy a yacht
c. buy a small winery
d. raise exotic animals

Honestly I don't think I'd want to do any of those things. Maybe the winery but that's more of a business investment. I don't think that "buying" counts as a hobby...unless you're a woman (HEYO). Ok, that was mean and I know a lot of guys who would "buy" as a hobby too, although less dresses and more power tools and electronics.

For me, I think traveling would become an expensive hobby. I would love to just go wherever I wanted, when I wanted, seeing lots of sights and not having to worry about staying too long in a place because it costs too much. I could easily see myself becoming a jetsetter for a few years. Not even sure where I would go first but I would want to see as much as possible.

6. What kind of car would you buy if you had an unlimited budget?

a. expensive sports car
b. luxury car
c. monster truck
d. expensive hybrid or electric car
e. cheap car (I’d be too nervous driving an expensive car).
f. something for the chauffeur to drive me around in

One of each. I'd have to try each one to see what I liked the most but I would probably have one simple, unassuming car for everyday use. I would have a truck but not a monster truck. Something with a crew cab that could hold a good number of people so we could fit everyone in it. As much fun as it is to look at crazy sports cars, those things attract a lot of attention and their main purpose is to go fast. I know that probably sounds like blasphemy coming from a guy, but I've always been more practically minded about those things and I don't think that would change much with wealth.

Besides, if I was going to get a loud, fast, expensive ride it would be some kind of motorcycle. Because you can easily get supermodels to climb into your shiny dickmobile, but I'll take a hot little, leather wearing, tattooed raven hair/red-head who's willing to straddle my throbbing engine, put her arms around me, and fuck like an animal after we've broken the speed limit for more than an hour.

Bonus: Currently, what is your favorite luxury item or decadent thing that you do?

I really don't have the luxury of luxuries. I've got bills to pay. Other than getting a vanilla bean frappachino from Starbucks (cause that shit is GOOD!), I generally don't drop a lot of money on things outside of gaming. And that's not exactly a luxury hobby, just a normal hobby.