I don't like to talk about who I work for, simply because this is the internet and people get fired for all sorts of things. I'll just say that I work at a refinery for a large company in Houston. If you know Houston, you know there are dozens of refineries owned by large companies.
For the last few months our company has been performing a massive audit of the entire facility in preparation for a major expansion coming up in a few years. I won't bore you with the details but essentially they've been checking everything from top to bottom. This includes work logs. You can see where this is going.
Personally, I'm insulted that I was punished rather than commended for my awesome works. Clearly, as you will see, I'm some kind of God damn genius. A prodigy of my time, even. You may judge for yourself but if you don't agree with me then clearly you're wrong, and also a communist. Or a vegan. Or a commie vegan.
All logs are presented in the order they were written, so you may see the escalation for yourself. Some include famous quotes and lyrics at the start. Some are not as funny as others. All are meant to entertain and inspire. Enjoy.
Note: Some items have been removed or edited to protect the guilty. So pretty much myself.
------
March 11, 2012
GOT RAINED ON. GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES.
THERE AIN’T NO REST FOR THE WICKED
MONEY DON’T GROW ON TREES
I GOT BILLS TO PAY, I GOT MOUTHS TO FEED
THERE AIN’T NOTHING IN THIS WORLD FOR FREE
AND NO I CAN’T SLOW DOWN, I CAN’T HOLD BACK
THOUGH YOU KNOW I WISH I COULD
OH NO THERE AIN’T NO REST FOR THE WICKED
UNTIL WE CLOSE OUR EYES FOR GOOD
March 12, 2012
WORKING OVER TIME. MAKING BANK.
GOT AN AWESOME PIN FROM STEVE THE SAFETY GUY. IT’S GOLD. BE JEALOUS.
March 14, 2012
I’M
VERY TIRED. IT’S BEEN A LONG, BUSY NIGHT. HOPEFULLY I’LL BE ABLE TO
MAKE IT BACK HOME AND NOT DIE IN A HORRIBLE, FIREY CAR CRASH.
EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’.
March 16, 2012
ANOTHER NIGHT IN THE TRENCHES. VICTORY IS OURS.
March 17, 2012
I MANAGED TO AVOID SPILLING PELLETS ALL OVER THE GROUND AT ******.
THAT’S BECAUSE I’M AWESOME AND I WOULD LIKE THE OFFICIAL RECORD TO REFLECT THIS.
March 18, 2012
March 19, 2012
March 24, 2012
IF YOU HAVING LOADING PROBLEMS, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON.
I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A TRAIN CAR AIN’T ONE.
March 25, 2012
March 26, 2012
IT
TAKES A TRUE STROKE OF GENIUS TO DESIGN YOUR MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR
FACILITY TO COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN WHEN YOUR AIR CONDITIONER GOES OUT.
(This
one takes a little explaining. That day, the cooling unit in the lab
went out, shutting the air conditioner down. What I didn’t know then was
that the same cooling unit was also used to run one of the machines in
the lab that’s used for quality testing the plastic. This machine has to
be used before the loaded cars can be shipped out to customers and it
was down for a few days. As a result, there was talking of having to
shut down the reactors because there is only so much room on the tracks
to store those loaded cars. Once the tracks are full, we can’t move
anymore cars, we can’t load cars, we can’t fill blenders, which means we
can’t make new plastic. The entire production line gets backed up.
Smart, huh? Also, not the first time this has happened.)
March 27, 2012
IF I OWNED THIS PLACE AND HELL, I’D RENT THIS PLACE OUT AND LIVE IN HELL.
March 28, 2012
WHY
IS IT THAT WE HANG UP LAMENATED PAPERS SAYING HOW IMPORTANT IT IS WE DO
OUR LOGS BUT WE DON’T HAVE PAPERS THAT STATE THE ACCEPTABLE LIMITS FOR
WEIGHING UP A SCALE CAR, THE ESTIMATED WEIGHT OF A GIVEN COMPARTMENT AT ******, OR THE DIFFERENT OILS THAT WE USE FOR BLOWERS, DVS AND OTHER
EQUIPMENT OUT HERE? I GUESS LOGIC, MUCH LIKE REPAIRING OUR BROKEN DOWN
SYSTEMS, JUST ISN’T COST EFFECTIVE.
April 1, 2012
WHAT DO TIGERS DREAM OF WHEN THEY TAKE A LITTLE TIGER SNOOZE?
April 2, 2012
HELD DOWN A CHAIR ALL NIGHT SO THAT IT WOULDN’T FLY AWAY AND HURT SOMEBODY
LIKE A BOSS
April 3, 2012
BRAVE
MEN DIE A SINGLE DEATH, COWARDS DIE A THOUSAND. AS FOR PEOPLE WHO
AREN’T REALLY COWARDS BUT AREN’T LOOKING FOR TROUBLE EITHER, I’M NOT
SURE HOW MANY TIMES THEY DIE. IT’S PROBABLY SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 1 AND
1000.
April 7, 2012
WAR DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO IS RIGHT, ONLY WHO IS LEFT.
April 8, 2012
IT’S A GOOD THING WE DON’T MAKE GUMMI BEARS BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE AND WE WOULD NEVER MAKE A PROFIT.
April 10, 2012
I am, officially, the hardest working man in this facility. Fact.
April 11, 2012
I AIN’T SAYIN’ SHE’S A GOLD DIGGER…NO, WAIT, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING. SHE’S TOTALLY A GOLD DIGGER.
April 16, 2012
SLEEPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
April 17, 2012
IF I INHALED AS MUCH COCAINE AS I HAVE POWDER IN THIS PLACE, I’D BE TWEAKED OUT OF MY MIND FOR A YEAR
April 19, 2012
BUSINESS IS THE ART OF EXTRACTING MONEY FROM ANOTHER MAN’S POCKET WITHOUT RESORTING TO VIOLENCE.
April 20, 2012
HABIT IS EITHER THE BEST OF SERVANTS OR THE WORST OF MASTERS
April 27, 2012
DISREGARD FEMALES, ACQUIRE CURRENCY.
April 28, 2012
PURGE
LIGHT SYSTEM MESSED UP AFTER PURGING ON TWO DIFFERENT LOTS. PURGE LIGHT
WAS CLEARED AFTER SUCCESFUL PURGE BUT REAPPEARED WHEN SWAPPING THE ARM
FROM THE PURGE BIN TO THE HOPPER CAR. PLEASE CONTACT YOUR OVERPAID
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER TO FIX THE PROBLEM.
May 9, 2012
WORKING OVERTIME TODAY BECAUSE THAT’S HOW DADDY GETS PAID.
May 4, 2012
FUN
FACT: IF YOU DROP THE NEW HOPPERS ONTO THE GROUND WITH THE FORKLIFT
WHILE THEY’RE EMPTY, IT MAKES A REALLY LOUD GONG SOUND. SO AWESOME.
May 13, 2012
I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL.
May 15, 2012
STATION IS BACKED UP DUE TO THE SUCK
I
MANAGED TO GET MY HANDS ON TWO OF THE GOLD SAFETY PINS. NOW I WEAR THEM
ON THE LAPELS OF MY WORK SHIRT SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS I’M THE HMFIC. IF
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, GOOGLE HARDER.
May 17, 2012
BOWED UP ALL NIGHT WITH LOADING AT *********. THIS IS SOME BS.
INTELETRAC
ROUNDS NOT DONE. DIDN’T HAVE TIME. THE SYSTEM HAS NOT EXPLODED, THE
EARTH HAS NOT TURNED BACKWARDS IN ITS ORBIT, THEREFORE I CAN PRESUME
THAT EVERYTHING IS RUNNING NORMALLY AND MISSING ONE NIGHT OF ROUNDS
ISN’T GOING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE. ANYONE WHO DISAGREES CAN GET BENT.
May 19, 2012
TESTING
OUT NEW GRADE TONIGHT IN THE HOPES THAT IT WILL PRODUCE LESS
FINES/STREAMERS. FAILING THAT, IT IS HOPED IT WILL BE A VIABLE
REPLACEMENT FOR “PINK SLIME” IN PUBLIC SCHOOL CAFETERIAS.
THIS PRODUCT IS OFFICALLY FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION AND WEAPONS GRADE TESTING.
May 20, 2012
LOADED
OUT THE EXPERIMENTAL GRADES AT TRAIN 2 IN THE HOPES OF PRODUCING THE
ULTIMATE BIOLOGICAL WEAPON. DIDN’T WORK, ALL WE GOT WAS A BUNCH OF
PLASTIC.
SPENT
MY LUNCH BREAK EATING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE AND JUST FREAKING OUT FOR A
GOOD HALF AN HOUR. EVENTUALLY RECOVERED AND HAD SOME SERIOUS MUNCHIES.
IN
CASE YOU’RE WONDERING, YES IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL TO EAT MISTLETOE IN
THE STATE OF TEXAS AND ALSO PERU. BUT NOT GUATAMALA. NEVER GUATAMALA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S POISONOUS? WHEN DID THAT RULE GO INTO EFFECT? THAT MIGHT EXPLAIN THE SHAKES AND BRUTAL, BLOODY VOMITING.
ALSO, THE ****** SCALES ARE TOTALLY SCREWED UP. I ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY AND KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ANY FIRES.
May 22, 2012
IT’S
DAYS LIKE TODAY (AND EVERY OTHER DAY) THAT TRULY MAKE ME REALIZE JUST
HOW USELESS PEOPLE CAN BE. THE INCOMPETENCE OF SOME OF THESE SLACK-JAWED
YOKELS IS STAGGERING.
May 27, 2012
I
PERFORMED AN INTRICATE AND DANGEROUS BLOOD RITUAL TO SUMMON A CREW OF
DEMONS TO DO MY BIDDING AND OPERATE THE STATION FOR ME WHILE I KICKED
BACK AND DID NOTHING. HOWEVER, THE DEMONS IMMEDIATELY FORMED A UNION
DEMANDING BETTER PAY AND THREE WEEKS OF VACATION A YEAR. I WASN’T HAVING
ANY OF THAT ACTION, SO I IMMEDIATELY STUFFED THEM ALL INTO A TRAIN CAR
AND SHIPPED THEM OUT.
May 28, 2012
I’M
SO TIRED THAT I KEEP SEEING THINGS OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE. THEY
LOOK VAGUELY LIKE HOPE, HAPPINESS, AND DREAMS. THAT’S HOW I KNOW THEY’RE
NOT REAL.
May 29, 2012
A
BUNCH OF AUDITORS ARE COMING NEXT MONTH TO DO SOME “AUDITING.” THAT
MEANS THEY’RE COMING TO FIRE PEOPLE WHO DON’T MEASURE UP. WE WERE SENT A
LIST OF “GUIDELINES” ON HOW TO ACT WHEN THE AUDITORS ARE AROUND. I’M
DEFINITELY FOLLOWING ALL OF THE SUGGESTIONS LISTED IN THE “DON’T DO
THIS” CATEGORY.
June 7, 2012
I TYPE MY LOGS IN ERAS BOLD FONT CAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL
June 14, 2012
ONCE AGAIN, DID AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.
GOT IN A FAIR NUMBER OF NAPS. STILL NEED MORE SLEEP.
June 15, 2012
GOT SOME GOOD NAPS IN BUT STILL DAMN TIRED. THINK GOD FOR FRIDAY.
June 21, 2012
LET
THE RECORD SHOW THAT THE SOUTH ARM CONTINUES TO LEAK PELLETS, CREATING A
POTENTIAL DEATH TRAP FROM WHICH NO HUMAN CAN ESCAPE. I WILL NOT BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEANING UP ANY BODIES AND/OR BLOOD.
“CALL ME, MAYBE” CONTINUES TO BE A TOP HIT ON THE RADIO AND ITUNES, PROVING THAT SOCIETY IS DOOMED TO COLLAPSE.
ONCE AGAIN, NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE HAS PROVED TO BE A VIABLE STRATEGY FOR GETTING NOTHING DONE.
June 22, 2012
TOOK NUMEROUS NAPS
GOT MY DONUT ON
INSANITY
IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHILE THINKING THAT YOU’LL
GET A DIFFERENT RESULT. IF THAT’S THE CASE THEN THIS PLACE HAS
DEFINITELY DRIVEN ME CRAZY.
June 24, 2012
A ARM OF ******* IS STILL LEAKING PELLETS. THIS OFFICALLY MEANS MAINTENANCE IS LAZY, WHICH SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE.
SWEPT DOWN PELLET SPILL JUST BECAUSE I’M A REALLY NICE GUY
ATE SOME SAMMINCHES, CONVINCED A GIRL ON TWITTER TO SHOW ME HER TITS, AND OTHERWISE MADE EXCELLENT USE OF MY TIME
June 29, 2012
LEETOOK OVER FOR **** AFTER ARRIVING AT 6 AM BECAUSE LEE IS AWESOME LIKE THAT.June 30, 2012
DID NOT BREAK A SWEAT
DID NOT GIVE A DAMN
July 1, 2012
I’M
LEAVING ON A JET PLANE, DON’T KNOW IF I’LL BE BACK IN THIS RAGGED BITCH
AGAIN. ACTUALLY THERE ARE NO JET PLANES INVOLVED, JUST LAYING IN BED
AND GETTING FUCKED UP, SO IT’S ALMOST LIKE FLYING. EXCEPT I CAN TASTE
COLORS.
