Entertaining the Monkey King

My friend and I were talking yesterday about how people in our generation, those born around the eighties, have a unique insight into computers. We grew up and aged as computers advanced and became more powerful. We remember the leaps and bounds made by technology through the eighties and nineties on into today. People older than us didn’t jump into computers until the advent of Windows, especially Windows 95 and onward when using a computer became insanely simple. People younger than us have grown up using nothing but the advanced versions of Apple and PC GUI (graphic user interfaces) and no one outside of the computer literate knows how to really dig deep into their systems.

Because of this, I sometimes take for granted my knowledge of computers. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not a computer programmer or anything on that level. I just understand on a basic level how computers work, how to change out the hardware and how to troubleshoot problems. To me, this kind of knowledge is second nature and I don’t realize how terrifying the inner workings of a computer can be to other people.

My job requires me to use a computer to do my job but I only have to use one program and be able to check my e-mail for that. Other than that, my job is mostly physical muscle work. But when there are problems with computers, I often get tasked with trying to fix the problem or at least figure out what the problem is so that my boss can know whether or not he has to call the computer help desk. I’ve commented before how this makes me feel like a sorcerer among peasants.

So thinking about work and my co-workers the other day, I found it funny that they have problems with something as advanced as Windows 7 or earlier versions when I grew up having to run MS-fucking-DOS.

For those of you who may not be completely familiar with DOS, it was the original operating system for the PC and required you to type in command lines manually in order to find files you were looking for and run programs. My uncle was a computer tech and he would often give us his old computers when he got upgrades. That’s how I learned. He taught me the basics of how to use DOS and I learned on my own with digging around and experimenting. Even when we eventually got upgraded to a computer with the old 3.X version of Windows, I had to use the DOS prompt in order to run some of the old, old, old, old school games I played.

So I was thinking about this when I accidentally put on my Old Man cap. You know, the cap we all put on as we get older when we say “Back in my day, we did XYZ and didn’t have ABC.” Thinking about the problems my co-workers face at work with their computers (and these are guys both younger and older than me) and the complaining they do, I just want to laugh.

You have no idea how good you have it. You have no idea how much of a bitch it was to type out an entire command line and, if you got ONE character wrong, the computer would slap you and so “INCORRECT! DO IT AGAIN!” You might think it as some kind of sadistic machine made to harm a truly masochistic mind but I think of MS-DOS like the Monkey King, sitting on his throne, cackling at your every attempt to solve his puzzles designed by a mind truly unhinged from human thought. You think you have the answer, you present it to him humbly and he slaps you, saying “INCORRECT! IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND MY GREAT WISDOM, RAM YOUR HEAD INTO THAT WALL UNTIL ENLIGHTMENT COMES TO YOU!”

So, in essence, using MS-DOS was like running head first into a wall over and over again for the entertainment of the Monkey King.

Be grateful he is locked away safely from your fragile sanity.

TMI Tuesday - 11/08/2011

1. Do you have a set of dishes that are used for special occassions (e.g. china)? Yes or no. If yes, how often do you use the special dishes?

a. any day because every day is special
b. once a week
c. only for holidays and celebration
d. never, it is displayed in a china cabinet or collecting dust in a box in the attic

This whole questionaire is obviously for rich people because I don't have ANY kind of dishes that are used for a special occasion. I have a few plates and the only special occassion I break them out for is BBQ because that shit is greasy as all hell and really won't work on a paper plate. Plus, the plates are big so I don't have to worry about dropping food on the plate as I devour it like a savage. Cause that's what you do with delicious meat.

2. Do have clothes that you never wear because you are saving them for a special occasion? What is that item of clothing? What would be the appropriate occasion?

I have a pair of nice shoes. I say "nice" shoes because they're kind of these brown loafers that I wear to events like when my niece has a concert or maybe to a wedding where I'm not in the groom's party. Look, I'm going to be straight up with you: I grew up in a fucking swamp. Ok, not exactly in the swamp, I grew up near the swamp. I spent my youth running through the woods and traipsing along beach like a God damned heathen. BAREFOOT. And not one of those white, sandy beaches either. This beach had been ravaged by a hurricane only a few years before I was born and even ten years after that it was still a wasteland of snakes, gators, and fishermen wading out into the bay.

So do I have fancy clothes? Fuck no. You people are lucky if I walk out the door with pants on.

3. If you suddenly became very wealthy, which servants would you employ?

a. cleaning service
b. housekeeper
c. cook
d. valet/maid/lady-in-waiting
e. chauffeur
f. dog-walker
g. other

I guess that depends on how wealthy is very wealthy. I'll go with the version of very wealthy that means "wealthy enough to buy people." I would definitely employ a cleaning service or a housekeeper. I would probably have enough house keepers to serve as a cleaning service of their own.

A valet would probably be pretty nice too but that's something I feel would require someone I could trust. I always see shit in tabloids about how people in Hollywood can't keep their fucking mouths shut. Same thing goes with politics in DC. No one can keep secrets, no one can stand not to gossip. I would have to find a guy like that, the old school British manservant (or woman servant, I'm not discriminating on this part) who would be able to keep any secrets they discovered to themselves. For this service, they would be well paid because having someone waiting on you hand and foot isn't a luxury. Having an employee you can trust not to stab you in the back...that's priceless.

Also, since it's not listed and since we're talking about real luxuries, the first group of people I would hire into my new empire wouldn't be maids or butlers or servants. It would be the best lawyer I could find and the best tax accountant as well. Like the valet, the real luxuries in this world are trust and having the best of the best at your disposal, not fancy cars or nice houses. Think about OJ Simpson. Is it a luxury for him to have nice house and nice cars during his football career or was it a luxury to have a fucking team of Grade A lawyers at his back. Knowledge is power and when you don't have the knowledge yourself, use your resources to find the people who do.

4. If you were wealthy, how many homes would you own? Where? (locations–mountains, tropical places for the winter, foreign country/city)

If I became suddenly rich, like multi-millionaire rich, I would be paranoid as all hell. I have plenty of shifty-ass relatives who would all be lining up for cash even though I haven't spoken to them in years. Fuck those guys. I would probably buy a hotel, the biggest hotel I could find in a huge metro area and convince everyone I lived there all the time, having room service waiting on me hand and foot and constantly ordering call girls up to service me.

In reality, I would probably found a nice neighborhood where people who make about six figures live. I would buy a nice house but not the most expensive one. I would keep a low profile, convince my neighbors I was some kind of brokerage guy or into import/export. Some kind of front for how I made my money but I wouldn't go flashing my cash like some teenage super athlete who just signed a ten million dollar contract.

Then I would have a place way off from everyone else in existence. A cabin of some type, near a lake. I don't fish but I like the idea of having my own lake stocked with fish, so I could fish as an option. I doubt I would take many people up there. Maybe my close friends, from time to time. Mostly it would be a place for me to get away from the world, get away from all the people who would be after me for cash, and it would serve as my bug out location for when the Zombie Apocalypse comes crashing down on all of us.

5. If you were going to take on a really expensive hobby, which of these would it be?

a. buy an airplane
b. buy a yacht
c. buy a small winery
d. raise exotic animals

Honestly I don't think I'd want to do any of those things. Maybe the winery but that's more of a business investment. I don't think that "buying" counts as a hobby...unless you're a woman (HEYO). Ok, that was mean and I know a lot of guys who would "buy" as a hobby too, although less dresses and more power tools and electronics.

For me, I think traveling would become an expensive hobby. I would love to just go wherever I wanted, when I wanted, seeing lots of sights and not having to worry about staying too long in a place because it costs too much. I could easily see myself becoming a jetsetter for a few years. Not even sure where I would go first but I would want to see as much as possible.

6. What kind of car would you buy if you had an unlimited budget?

a. expensive sports car
b. luxury car
c. monster truck
d. expensive hybrid or electric car
e. cheap car (I’d be too nervous driving an expensive car).
f. something for the chauffeur to drive me around in

One of each. I'd have to try each one to see what I liked the most but I would probably have one simple, unassuming car for everyday use. I would have a truck but not a monster truck. Something with a crew cab that could hold a good number of people so we could fit everyone in it. As much fun as it is to look at crazy sports cars, those things attract a lot of attention and their main purpose is to go fast. I know that probably sounds like blasphemy coming from a guy, but I've always been more practically minded about those things and I don't think that would change much with wealth.

Besides, if I was going to get a loud, fast, expensive ride it would be some kind of motorcycle. Because you can easily get supermodels to climb into your shiny dickmobile, but I'll take a hot little, leather wearing, tattooed raven hair/red-head who's willing to straddle my throbbing engine, put her arms around me, and fuck like an animal after we've broken the speed limit for more than an hour.

Bonus: Currently, what is your favorite luxury item or decadent thing that you do?

I really don't have the luxury of luxuries. I've got bills to pay. Other than getting a vanilla bean frappachino from Starbucks (cause that shit is GOOD!), I generally don't drop a lot of money on things outside of gaming. And that's not exactly a luxury hobby, just a normal hobby.



TMI Tuesday : November 1, 2011

1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?

Oral sex of all types. I like watching porn but it's rare to see really good oral sex in porn. The sexiest oral I've seen always involves really slow movements. You have to take your time sucking cock or licking pussy. I guess it's more accurate to say I get really turned on by cock or pussy worship. You have to put your mouth on everything, you have to lick every inch. You're not just trying to bring your partner off, you're trying to show them that you LOVE that part of their bodies and that you don't want to let it go.

2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?

Grabbing them by the hair, pulling their head back, biting their ear and saying "I'm going to take you now."

3. Do you queef?

Being a guy, no I do not.

4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)

People bitching about me about my erotica writing. Most people have expressed enjoyment for my work but it's always weird to get people who are offended by it. I don't write tame stuff. Some of my writing involves rough sex, BDSM, blackmail, non-consensual sex and things of that nature. Generally when I post them up I try to warn people about what kind of story they'll be reading but I still sometimes get people telling me they hate my work because it offends them. I guess some people just feel compelled to judge others even when they can avoid what they find offensive.

5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?

Unforunately I've never had this opportunity. I think I'd like to try it, though I'm not sure if I would be completely comfortable with it or not. A lot of it would depend on the relationship I had with my partner.

6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed

I'm in suppot of better sex ed at school because so many parents don't talk to their kids about sex but if it were my child, boy or girl, we would be having a sit down and a full on explanation about the ins and outs of sex. I don't have children of my own but one of my good friends has had to deal with this over the last two years with her teenage daughter who is like a niece to me. She's very open about sex with her daughter and talks to her regularly about sex. Growing up, the extent of my sexal education was the health class in school and my mom making sure I knew to use protection. And when I say that, I mean those were her exact words. "Are you using protection?" "Yeah, mom." "Ok, good" Then she walked off.

Things are too dangerous today in the world of sex and theres no excuse for parents to not talk openly with their kids about it. The shame culture of sex needs to end and I for one hope that the things we teach our children today will help with that.

Click Here, it’s important

Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?

I'm too sexy for all the friends I have in real life, who have no idea how much of a pervert I really am.